About today

It turned out alright…

But the last few months I typically start my day by waking up well before my alarm and can’t get back to sleep.

I keep telling myself just to get up; the idea always seems great…and honestly I feel myself getting closer and closer each time to getting up and making pancakes..

Anyways, I couldn’t fall back asleep since the guy in the next building—whose window is close to mine—started watching porn on blast at 6AM. Yeah.

I was in a “fuck it” kind of mood today.

Arrived at work > headphones in > no eye contact with anyone > let me be great

I applied for two jobs this morning before I left for work, just to see what the hell could happen. I’m a believer in bringing the objects of your mind to the material world and I’ve boiled down my sole goal in the next few months to simply paying off credit card debt and my car loan. Honestly, I don’t care if they don’t get back to me.

I do like my job, it’s just… Day to day shit sucks.

I think that’s where I stuck myself the last couple of years. Day to day shit.

Not enough future and perspective and life outlook shit.

It’s tough to let day to day shit slide in and out of your environment without affecting your own plans. Controlling your own life is essential to living to the fullest.

Perhaps tomorrow I won’t feel in control. And that’s what I fear, that’s what keeps me from getting out of bed early.

Breaking my chains to the past

I sense that the reason I don’t write as often the last couple years is that I didn’t take advantage of technology.

I’ve never been a huge fan of always having my phone out, even when I’m alone.

But using the WP app allows me to put my thoughts “on paper” in a way that makes sense, unlike having those same thoughts jumbled and misaligned in my head. And I can do it quickly soon after having these thoughts.

It’s definitely a release.

I have habits—some good, some bad—that I’ve been wanting to break.

I play a lot of video games, mostly because I feel I constantly need to be doing something with my hands; it’s just the activity I chose to do so.

But it means I sit a lot and don’t exercise enough.

I also smoke weed, not excessively in the least. But enough to strap me to the couch if I don’t get momentum during the weekends. I like it to help me relax, and relaxing is something I probably do too much!

See? Bad habits.

I’ve also felt like I haven’t owned up to my responsibility as a member of society. I need to do more for others (any ideas?).

I’m one of those people that has let the past hold them back. Failed relationships, a natural need for solitude, and a skeptical outlook on life has turned me into a metaphorical mind-hermit at the age of 30.

I know I have so many opportunities in front of me. I’m trying to reach for them…but at least I’m slowly starting to see them more clearly.

Heads or Tails

Ever flip a coin to make a decision?

It begs the question: is simply making a choice more important than the choice itself?

It has to be since making a decision can cause more grief and anxiety than acting on that choice.

And what if both heads and tails don’t benefit you in a life decision?

I’ve been holding onto this idea of who I am…and I just feel like it’s become a skin I’m being forced to shed.

It’s an idea that’s held onto hope for one woman’s interest, hope that this pain and depression is finally behind me, an idea that’s evolved into identifying happiness in my everyday—a deep breath of cool and early-morning fall air—that keeps me going through the day.

I can smell the darkness in all areas of my life, but it has slowly diminished recently; I’m just not sure if it has diminished because it’s dying or if it’s due to my sense of smell desensitizing the scent.

I’m looking to the future again. And ensuring the present is recognized during the daytime.

Solitude is my friend, solitude is my enemy.

In a crowd, he isn’t there, he’s in his mind, he’s everywhere.

The Concept of Guidance

There was a time in which I was a leader; within my family, my career. I found it easy to lead myself through simple decision making processes.

Today I find myself not leading my family, my career, or even myself at times.

There are reasons, or things I’ve identified as excuses that I’m working through.

One thing I wish I had was a mentor.

Someone to tell me when I’m fucking up, or to think about something in a different way.

I’ve been surrounded by yes men my entire life. Very few have challenged my thought.

It’s caused me to believe I’m more intelligent than most, and although I do believe in “sheeple” and don’t consider myself to be one, I can’t help but think that perhaps I’ve allowed myself to digress in life.

I really don’t think I’m as intelligent as people perceive me to be. Or maybe I’ve lost perception of myself.

Looking for guidance in a world where everyone claims to have the answers, but it’s the questions not being asked which keep me up at night.

Time is a resource that diminishes as soon as creation

I remember when I was in my younger 20s that I didn’t have a lot of free time. School, work, girlfriend, commutes.

I’ve noticed as I’ve gotten older that the more free time I have the more crazy I can feel.

It’s like my mind needs to be filled, occupied, active.

I’ve faced dark times being bored.

And as I wonder about the times and phases of my life, I realize how precious time is.

That time of my life is gone, lived to maybe it’s fullest.

All the while I found writing to be one of the few outlets I’ve enjoyed throughout life.

The times I did not enjoy writing were times I was writing for someone else.

I guess the more memories you have, the more life you’ve lived…

There really is so much that takes up so little.

I’m living outside

Metaphorically speaking.

I’m living outside of my time.

I’m not sure if I am a futurist or someone who should have lived in simpler times.

I’m not photogenic in the least.

Although I’m confident in myself, a visual journal of my life isn’t something I can do.

Is it wrong to feel bitter about individuals who use beauty for profit?

I suppose my own criticism is towards those who mistake beauty for success rather than the individual using beauty as their means of living.

The mind is slowly drifting away from society…

…I’m certainly looking for mine as we speak. Where did it go?